[DISCUSSION] Herocraft: The Futureverse

[victim130]

Have questions? Feedback? Anything else? Post here!

Want to read my new story? Herocraft: The Futureverse

 

[victim130]

About halfway through chapter two, its 7AM gonna ninja it tomorrow for a secret release which will follow up on the lore thread within the day or so depending on how many mistakes I need to fix. (Using Notepad with 0 formatting so I don't see my mistakes until I reread.)

 

[victim130]

Chapter two is much longer and in the editing stage! (Had to go tot he doctors today which slowed me down a bit) I will post it when its ready! Hopefully within a few hours!

 

[victim130]

Chapter 2 is live! Go read it to find out what happens next! And any confusion you may have, come here or stay tuned for chapter 3! (Escape The Hollow!)

 

[leftovers5]

"Lori showed up holding a bag of moldy melon bread." Best line.

 

[Aundora]

This is far too much reading... I'm so lazy

 

[victim130]

So I was told to work on Little Benny Adventures Part 4, so chapter 3 will be a bit from now! (A few days probably) Meanwhile, pay attention to the War tab in the Umbra Vs Eclipse thread for the next installment in my comic series!

 

[bfittipaldi]

You should make a book.

 

[victim130]

You should make a book.

Eventually I will probably stop posting chapters, but I plan to make this into a book (And no matter what I do, they will be removed once I finish)

Although I need a question answered by everyone, should I include death/murder and if I do, should I add gore? I have no problem either way, its just going to determine how the fight scenes play out in Chapter 3.

 

[MultiHeartGold]

Although I need a question answered by everyone, should I include death/murder and if I do, should I add gore? I have no problem either way, its just going to determine how the fight scenes play out in Chapter 3.

I guess it would add some more excitement and interest in it.

 

[awsumguy75321]

Eventually I will probably stop posting chapters, but I plan to make this into a book (And no matter what I do, they will be removed once I finish)

Although I need a question answered by everyone, should I include death/murder and if I do, should I add gore? I have no problem either way, its just going to determine how the fight scenes play out in Chapter 3.

I would say that, if everyone doesn't want death and gore, at least have them be knocked out, because then you could loot them still by picking their pockets and stuff.

 

[ben127127]

I say you make "Left" a Ninja so he can steal everything :3 (P.S I only read chapter 1)

 

[MultiHeartGold]

I say you make "Left" a Ninja so he can steal everything :3 (P.S I only read chapter 1)

I believe he is in the story only because he is a pro Ranger.

 

[jazza411]

victim130 which character was I based off again?

 

[victim130]

victim130 which character was I based off again?

Lori is supposed to be the female version of you 600 years from the end of Bastion. However, her brother is more your style since he is a disciple like you used to be.

 

[victim130]

I would say that, if everyone doesn't want death and gore, at least have them be knocked out, because then you could loot them still by picking their pockets and stuff.

Yeah I'll still add fight scenes, I'm just not 100% sure how I want them to end. One of them is a Wizard vs Victor on the top of a rail-train and I'm trying to figure out how I want it to end.

 

[awsumguy75321]

Yeah I'll still add fight scenes, I'm just not 100% sure how I want them to end. One of them is a Wizard vs Victor on the top of a rail-train and I'm trying to figure out how I want it to end.

Have the Wizard escape, but severely wound Victor so that Victor blacks out and wakes up a few days later somewhere else, possibly with Lori and Left.

 

[Alator]

First of all, space out your paragraphs. So hard to read otherwise, haha.

I know everyone has a different writing style, so take these suggestions as you will. These are some examples, you can use them in other places in the story as well:

Flow can be a little funky. For example "Would you at least try to take care of us?" questioned an ominous voice. The sound seemed to originate from the discolored blade lying on the cabin floor." shows up suddenly. Since a talking sword is likely to take the reader by surprise, it should be built up to a little more. Other than describing the color, nothing else is written before the character leaves the building.

Victor slammed the door against the hinges. He would slam the door against the frame. The hinges are what it rotates on.

Word choice. The forest had a dense portion around the cabin, but nearer to the city, it became lighter and lighter. Lighter and lighter should be something else, such as The forest around Victor's cabin was dark and dense, but opened up as he approached the city. This lets you lead into describing the countryside around the city instead of just going forest -> metro area.

He continued along a walkway made of concrete until he hit a suburb.What does he walk by? This is a great lead in to fleshing out the feel of the city. Is it clean and industrious, or dirty and rundown?

"Victor, behind you, that man in the black is stealing a magazine! Hurry stop him!" demanded the sword. "Woah hey, what did I say earlier?" asked Victor. "Oh cool! Are you a samurai?" The lady finally showed interest when the sword came into the picture. Again, here it jumps from one thing to the next. You really are giving yourself great setups, it just needs to be expanded.

You give yourself some great hooks, just need to work on flow a bit more. I like the Herocraft-in-the-future theme. Keep it up!

 

[bfittipaldi]

Yeah I'll still add fight scenes, I'm just not 100% sure how I want them to end. One of them is a Wizard vs Victor on the top of a rail-train and I'm trying to figure out how I want it to end.

<----- 60 Wizard. *HINT* Add me into this!

 

[victim130]

First of all, space out your paragraphs. So hard to read otherwise, haha.

I know everyone has a different writing style, so take these suggestions as you will. These are some examples, you can use them in other places in the story as well:

Flow can be a little funky. For example "Would you at least try to take care of us?" questioned an ominous voice. The sound seemed to originate from the discolored blade lying on the cabin floor." shows up suddenly. Since a talking sword is likely to take the reader by surprise, it should be built up to a little more. Other than describing the color, nothing else is written before the character leaves the building.

Victor slammed the door against the hinges. He would slam the door against the frame. The hinges are what it rotates on.

Word choice. The forest had a dense portion around the cabin, but nearer to the city, it became lighter and lighter. Lighter and lighter should be something else, such as The forest around Victor's cabin was dark and dense, but opened up as he approached the city. This lets you lead into describing the countryside around the city instead of just going forest -> metro area.

He continued along a walkway made of concrete until he hit a suburb.What does he walk by? This is a great lead in to fleshing out the feel of the city. Is it clean and industrious, or dirty and rundown?

"Victor, behind you, that man in the black is stealing a magazine! Hurry stop him!" demanded the sword. "Woah hey, what did I say earlier?" asked Victor. "Oh cool! Are you a samurai?" The lady finally showed interest when the sword came into the picture. Again, here it jumps from one thing to the next. You really are giving yourself great setups, it just needs to be expanded.

You give yourself some great hooks, just need to work on flow a bit more. I like the Herocraft-in-the-future theme. Keep it up!

I will definitely take this all into consideration when I go back and edit the whole thing and with future chapters Thanks for the review! Although the paragraph problem is because of notepad the formatting is horrid D: Although I could add extra lines, not sure how that would work out, but I'll give it a try haha.

Speaking of which, I'm going to try and start on chapter 3 once I get over this cold and Christmas dies down. Hopefully I can also get a Christmas Special out for Little Benny Adventures and Part 4 as well. Either way, all of you have a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!