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[DISCUSSION] Herocraft: The Futureverse

Joined
Oct 28, 2011
Likes
448
Location
USA
#61
Left is a cool, calm and collected guy who is plagued by regret and depression. He hates to involve people, but when he has no other choice, he sticks by them unless he cannot. As I have hinted, he has a secret power that was passed on to him that he uses to gain the uperhand in his fights.
:cool:
 
Joined
Jan 20, 2011
Likes
348
#62
Name: Kierin

Gender: Female

Eyes: Dark green

Hair: Brown

Equipment/Clothing: White robes that split on the sides from the waist down. These robes have a black stripe that reaches down from the shoulders to the arms and then ends at the waist. Beneath these robes, she wears tan shorts that are barely visible from the front or back. She usually carries a scepter with a blue gem fastened to the top and a pouch around her side that carries various reagents for her spells.

Body Build: She is very slim with pale skin.

Class: Necromancer

Personality: Kierin is usually silent and collected. She is not shy, but would just rather not cause herself trouble. Her more open side, which is generally shown to those she trusts, is more free. This leads to her being smiley and easily humor-able. Though despite this, she still avoids trouble, often times leaving loved ones to parish. This leads to her deep depression.

Life Style: She roams from city to city, looking for a place to belong. Generally settling with a local for a place to stay. She has lived many life styles because of this. Her most comfortable style however, is being the only child, living alone in a forest cabin with her mom.

Likes: Dancing, eating new foods/drinking new drinks, alcohol.

Dislikes: Rich folk, trouble, being alone.

Abilities: http://www.herocraftonline.com/wiki/Necromancer - Based on this. In lore, her abilities are more fleshed out.

Kierin uses the dark arts of necromancy to blast her foes into decaying or rotting. Her main form of attacking is draining the life force of others to heal her own wounds. She can sacrifice her own life force to regain mana (Magical Energy) and then even transfer her mana to others. She also is able to conjure a shield that blocks most incoming damage and appear dead like the many undead creatures of the Multiverse. This allows her to not be attacked at night.

She also has access to spells that require the use of a reagent. These spells usually are stronger than her free form magic:
Poison: A poison conjured by the use of dead flesh (Animal or otherwise) that effects blood cells, slowing them and killing them, eventually weakening and even killing her target. Most tougher targets can survive contact, but will be left in pain.
Web: An ensnaring web of strings imbued with magic to be extremely durable for a time. With the use of string, she can trap foes and leave them wide open for attacks. After a short duration though, the string becomes frail and will crumble apart.
Despair: A spell that uses rotted flesh to shoot a blinding poison. On impact, this spell will cause harm, but more notably cause a temporary blindness.
Plague: With the use of rotten flesh, this spell will decay flesh and become airborne for a few seconds, infecting nearby targets with a similar disease.
Hellgate: With the use of Multiverse Pearls, this spell transports the necromancer and her friends to the Nether.
Summon Undead: If any nearby dead bodies exist, with the use of a bone the necromancer can reanimate the corpse for a few minutes.

Religion: None/Undecided

Attributes: Kierin is considered weak athletically, but is quite good magically. She has been a necromancer for many years and knows the ins and outs of her capabilities.

Family: Unknown

Brief History: As a child, Kierin lived with her mother in a small cabin. They hunted, fished, cooked and danced with each other in what seemed to be a perfect life. Though as cruel as Kain's domain is, bandits slaughtered her mother while ransacking the place. Kierin was too little at the time, she could not fight back and in so, the men left her to grieve. She sat there over her mothers hacked corpse for five days with nothing to eat or drink. Her consciousness finally gave and almost her life too. When she woke up, her mother was sitting in a chair at her bed side. Blood ran down her dress and her flesh still slowly rotted away, but despite her obvious death, Kierin's mother handed over a bowl of porridge and a glass of water.

Kierin looked up at her mother's face. Her left eye was missing with a sword gash that left her brain exposed. Though, the child never once screamed, she was happy to have her mother back. Though days later, her mother once again fell lifeless. A passing by ranger took her into his care only two days later when he was traveling to the town of Demonswood. On their way, they were ambushed by raiders. Kierin feared death and so she ran, leaving the ranger to reach out for her and die in vain.

Years passed and she finally saw her potential as a necromancer. She lived in Paragon at the time, but ventured out to meet someone who could teach her to use her new found powers. After searching for months, she finally found what she sought out. A man who lived in Umbra instructed her and showed the basics to the class. However, during the night a few weeks after they met, Kierin jumped out on him and began wandering yet again.

Enemies: No notable enemies

Allies: No notable allies

Boom boom, sneak peak at chapter 7 or 8 :p 6 is on its way, but I am very busy!
 
Joined
May 23, 2013
Likes
21
#64
I feel pretty freaking late on this, but some pointers from me that I think will improve your writing style:

1.) Specify who is talking. Seems like most of the time I don't know who is talking, most of the time I'll have to double, maybe triple read a section to know what's going on. I personally think this is because dialogue is back to back. So, I would separate dialogue from different characters into separate paragraphs, each paragraph telling your audience who is talking.

2.) Improve the flow of your writing a bit.

'Victor froze for a moment, the sword was right wasn't he?' A quote from your writing.

The way I would phrase it:

'Victor froze for a moment, as realization broke dawn upon him. The sword was right about the mysterious man...'
 
Joined
Jan 20, 2011
Likes
348
#65
I've since dropped this project. Many of my influences, resources and inspirations are now gone from this series. Its very hard to right something of this nature for something ever changing, especially since I've lost interest in the game itself.


I feel pretty freaking late on this, but some pointers from me that I think will improve your writing style:

1.) Specify who is talking. Seems like most of the time I don't know who is talking, most of the time I'll have to double, maybe triple read a section to know what's going on. I personally think this is because dialogue is back to back. So, I would separate dialogue from different characters into separate paragraphs, each paragraph telling your audience who is talking.

2.) Improve the flow of your writing a bit.

'Victor froze for a moment, the sword was right wasn't he?' A quote from your writing.

The way I would phrase it:

'Victor froze for a moment, as realization broke dawn upon him. The sword was right about the mysterious man...'
Some of the reasons I do that with my dialogue is because its usually only two people talking, I find it would be rather redundant to have it remind you of who is talking each time, but I can see where problems would arise if the conversation carried on. I took this idea from a book I read in school one year and have been trying to adapt it to my writing style.

My flow has always been a problem and it comes from me mixing third person and narration. I can never come to terms with how I want something to sound. I've since decided to read and edit my chapters of future works multiple times before moving on, this is to stop me from being lazy on editing everything to match up.


If people want to follow my work, just inbox me, I'm working on a comic and a novel as we speak (Moving slow though) about something a bit more stationary haha.
 
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