A Herocraft story-Prologue

[MattMellander]

It was a fine cool day in the city of Sanctum, well it always was, as Kainzo determined what happened there, from the weather to other things, he controlled it. after all he is the god.

He was having a day off with his beautiful goddess, Apherdite, leaving his demigods to deal with the new citizens and maintaining the city.

He found Apherdite down at her favourite shop, Charlemagnes Burgers, eating a "Burgie", a type of burger the chefs had invented just for her. She waved to him from across the dining area, he walked over and sat down. " thought I'd find you-" He got cut off by an explosion from the other side if the lapis lazuli tower.

"Thats not good..." he said as they made their way out of the store. As they made their way around the walls of the tower, his mood dropped, seeing dark clouds and exploded buildings. It dropped even lower when he saw who had caused it.

"I didnt want to come get you, so I thought I'd ring the doorbell." His long forgotten enemy, Dagothagahnim said, flexing his right hand.
"And why would you be here?" Kain questioned casually.
:I thought I'd drop by." The Madgod replied.
"You are not welcome here"
"OK" and as he said that, he seemed to explode, blinding Kain and any others in the area. After a few minutes the smoke cleared, and everybody appeared to be ok. Except Apherdite, who was nowhere to be seen.
But Kain knew exactly where she was, even after 30 years, Dago still had the same objective and Kain had let him reach it.
Now Apherdite was a mortal, in the world of Ganon, beyond his reach.
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And there you go, the epic prologue to an epic adventure soon to come.
Post your response below, and if you want to be apart of the journey, post an application in the other story thread.

Matt.M

 

[MattMellander]

Read it! If you like it, and want to be apart of the big story, apply in the appropiate thread, as I need more characters!

 

[AlexDaParrot]

I read it; I will not grab my book of Emerson stories in an attempt to wipe it from my mind. Seriously, though, if you are even going to try to write something of use, do not make it all predominantly dialog. At least it is an attempt at writing, so my best wishes for any future pieces you attempt to compose.

 

[MattMellander]

Oh no, I kind of rushed into this, and wanted to keep it short, there will be dialog, because people talk, but it wont be too constant.

Also, whats with the mind-wiping?

 

[Raolan]

Uh... yeah... to be nice or honest.

You use too many commas (and thus far too many pauses).
"It was a fine cool day in the city of Sanctum, well it always was, as Kainzo determined what happened there, from the weather to other things, he controlled it. after all he is the god." - this is bad.
"It was a fine day in the city of Sanctum as the god Kainzo controlled everything that happened there." - this is better.

Your paragraphs and sentences are structured rather badly, and some scenes don't make sense.
"...day off with... Apherdite" is immediately contradicted by "He found Apherdite" because you don't clarify the situation. You also could have used that moment of dialogue between the two of them to explain something or other, rather than boringly cutting it off after a few words and doing the awesome cliché "got cut off by." Seriously, try something new.
Instead of:
"He got cut off by an explosion from the other side if the lapis lazuli tower."
Why not use:
"His attention was taken away by an explosion from the other side of the tower."
It doesn't use the horribly over-used word "got" which is an indicator of poor vocabulary, and it doesn't say 'lapis lazuli', something which should have already been noted in a prior brief description of the city and its tower and does not belong here.

You have given such a small orientation that if I didn't know it was about Herocraft, I'd have no idea what you're talking about. An extremely tiny vocabulary can also be seen which is the criminal responsible for stories being monstrously repetitive and excruciating to read. See what I just did there?


tl;dr. Stop using commas every second word, give more explanation and orientation, use more interesting words and sentence structures.

 

[MattMellander]

"thanks for the constructive critisism, I assure, you, that the main, story will be better-" I didnt get to finish, because, my head got off.

this was just to introduce you to the problem, of dago taking aph.